Incompetant Doctors

I have seen hundreds of doctors with my multitude of health problems so it's par for the territory that I run into a few quacks in the bunch. I had 2 surgical procedures done today because I have been so horribly sick for almost a month now. I had an EGD and a colonoscopy done and 2 biopsies taken at the same time. I have had these procedures done before so I knew what to expect. Why is it that doctors and nurses don't believe you when you tell them you know how you will react to something? Because I don't have an MD after my name, I must be oblivious to anything having to do with medicine. The first thing I said to the nurse when she took me back is "I will need something ASAP to help me relax. I panic and I can feel myself starting to panic already. She said she would find out for me shortly.

30 minutes later I am doing ok because the nurse and I have been discussing my lupus. She is my age and has lupus as well! What are the odds of that? Anyway...our time is up and it is time for me to wait to be taken to the surgery room. She gives me some Benadryl. It hits me a little but I can feel the panic start to rise. It is such a strange feeling, hard to explain and many think you are crazy or just a big baby. I started to sweat, shake, even though I was freezing cold from the lack of clothes and covers. I started to panic. I couldn't sit up because I was hooked to machines which sounded an alarm every time I sat up. They told me they were behind and it would be a while. Great thing to tell someone who is panicking I tell you. Anyway...I start to cry, I feel like ripping the iv out of my arm. FINALLY a nurse peeks her head in and notices I am crying. She asks if I am ok and I told her that no I'm not, I am panicking. I can't explain why it happens but when I am hooked up to machines, I feel out of control and tied down and it freaks the hell out of me. She got on the phone with the dr. who ordered me some Vercet to calm me down. Apparently I calmed down after that because I really don't remember much afterwards. One thing I DO remember is telling the surgeon that he needs to give me some extra deadening stuff for my throat because I have been known to try to pull out the endoscope because of my gag reflex. I told him twice. Please, make sure my throat is deadened. So what happens? First of all, I shouldn't be able to remember any of this because I was sedated but I remember it all and I am not happy. It ended up being a fight. I tried pulling the tube out, they had to hold me down, they were yelling at me, I was gagging, throwing up, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was suffocating. Whatever they were putting into my mouth wasn't just a little tube, there was something large around my lips and I could feel it enveloping my whole mouth. I was scared shitless and crying and they just kept yelling at me and holding me down. I remember it all. My throat is very bruised. It hurts so badly to swallow. Nothing like it should feel like.

Back to quack doctors. I am not saying he is a quack per se, but he pissed me off because he obviously didn't believe anything I said. Then he told my husband, while I was in recovery, that everything looked normal. However, when you look on all my discharge paperwork, it clearly states that they found 4 different things. And to top it off, all my discharge paperwork is addressed to Mr. Bruce. Do I look like a dude to you?

Anyway...I wish doctors would realize that there are some of us who have had so much experience with all this medical crap and we really know our own bodies better than they do. Next time, they need to listen. But actually there won't be a next time. I am sick of panicking and feeling this way.

I know this isn't really a coherent or interesting post, I just had to write it down. I am going to post a purely picture post next so you can see my beautiful boys.

I'm ready to talk. But not about the house.

I don't really feel like talking about the hell hole, I mean house, just yet. But so much has happened and I have been needing to scream and this is my only outlet right now so I'm going to talk.

Apparently, I have the craziest family in the world. Not crazy as in fun, crazy as in insane.

OK. I have been sick since July 31st. Today is August 17th so as you can see, I have been ill for quite some time. And not just ill, super ill. I have been vomiting for weeks. The nausea is the worst I have had in my entire lifetime! Smells make me vomit, reading my computer makes me vomit (why this is going to be a short rant), walking makes me vomit, sleeping makes me vomit, eating makes me vomit and not eating makes me vomit. Anyway, needless to say, I have made it to work 5 hours so far for the month of August. I have been just that sick.

We have lived in our new hell hole since the 29th of July. During that time our basement has flooded 3 times, we have mold in our dining room, a hole in our dining room ceiling (waiting on contractor), mildewed carpet, a faulty HVAC, fleas or some other type of bug which is eating away at me and many, many other small things happening all at the same time. And then of course, I'm sick. So nothing has been accomplished. The boxes are still packed. We don't even want to unpack because we hate this place. The hell hole is just in an utterly chaotic state. Whatever. I mean it's understandable, right?

Well. Today I hear daughter and dad talking and I pipe in to ask what they are talking about. Daughter says "mom might pick me up today." I naturally ask "why?" because she picks her up from our place maybe once a year and always for a specific reason. Daughter says "she wants to see the house." I say " the outside or the inside?" She says "all of it!" I say "well we're not even unpacked or anything so that will have to happen some other time." She says "she doesn't need to see it unpacked, she just wants to see it." I rebuttle with "well, another time." She says "she was going to come yesterday." OK...I'm like "um, she has to be invited." Now husband pipes in with "I already told her she could." WTF ever! So I say "Frank we aren't even unpacked or anything!" He says "so, what's the big deal?" I finally just say "whatever, I'll be hiding in the laundry room." I can't say what I want to say with daughter sitting right there. So husband says "fine, you just do what you do." Yep, I'm the bitch.

OK. So how crazy is it that my husband's ex wife gets to come look through our house (which she invited herself to do) when we A.) just moved in B.) haven't unpacked and C.) I've been sick? Who does she think she is? And why am I the bad guy because I would like my husband not to show his ex wife OUR house when it hasn't been unpacked, cleaned or decorated? Not to mention...I am still unshowered and in bed from being sick? Is that asking too much?

I don't want her coming at all to look at this freakin place but if she is going to come, at least give me some damn courtesy to be able to decorate or something first. But apparently I am a bitch for even thinking this.

I always knew that the freakin ex would be a part of my life forever because of daughter but sometimes I just can't handle it. What does this hell hole have to do with her? And why the rush to see it?

Oh and mother in law and her husband were here this weekend as well. What does mother in law do when we arrive to pick up daughter? Gets out and freaking hugs the ex wife and oohs and aahs over her. Right in front of me. Whatever. No one ever wonders how all of that makes me feel. No one cares and apparently I am the baby for not thinking it's cool. I'm sick of it.

Husband just thinks I'm a jealous bitch and seriously I am freaking sick of it!

We went to brother in law's wedding on the 8th. I barely made it being as sick as I was but the dr. gave me some med that worked for 2 days and allowed me to use my non refundable, non transferable ticket. I was so close to not going, but in the end I didn't want husband to have to go to a wedding, where he was the best man, by himself. Thank God I went.

I am a jealous wife, I don't deny that, but seriously I think I would be less jealous if I didn't have a husband who tells me about every "hot girl" he sees and even though it's all jokingly, it does not make me any less jealous.

The bride's sister (who was totally skinny and cute and husband's type) was the maid of honor. In other words, she was the person husband was supposed to spend all his time with. I understand ushering her in, doing the whole wedding thing etc...but he was expected to be her date at the reception even though she had a boyfriend there and he had me, his wife there. He was told to get her drinks for the night, they even made them dance together. To a f-cking slow song. It was a wedding party dance where they all danced together. If you're going to do that, don't you think it would be nice to at least do some upbeat, fast song so their spouses/significant others don't have to sit there and watch their partners slow dance with someone else?

This may not be a big deal to anyone else (though another girl at my table, who was watching her boyfriend slow dance with a bridesmaid shared my same sentiment) but husband and I rarely dance. In fact...I dance, he doesn't. I can get him to dance ONLY at clubs and only after a few drinks. We haven't danced in years but he goes and dances with her. What also pisses me off is that if he doesn't want to do something, he won't do it. He will let whoever know that he isn't going to do it and won't take shit from anyone about it. So if this made him uncomfortable, he wouldn't have done it. Whatever...so I even got past that and after an hour of him being mad at me for being hurt having to watch him dance with this girl and walk around the room getting her drinks, without even making eye contact with ME or getting me drinks too, I danced with him and had a good time. I tried to just let it go. It doesn't take the sting away. I don't dance with anyone else and I don't like him to either. Apparently, the bride's family was completely the opposite. They bumped and grinded with everyone and their uncles the whole night. Even the bride! I didn't even care at that point. If one other girl walked up to my husband and tried to grind on him "because he was the best man" I was going to throw down and I didn't even give a shit who I embarrassed. Luckily, husband stayed away from the dance floor the entire hour he was mad at me, so I didn't have to throw down.

So anyone else a jealous bitch? I always tell hubs that if I ever stop being jealous, he has a problem. He said he would rather it be that way. He hates my jealousy but he does nothing to try to make me feel more secure in our relationship.

How guilty do I feel for being sick for 3 weeks, missing so much work, not helping with the move, not being "available" and not looking "pretty?" Pretty damn guilty! Doesn't help the jealousy any knowing that most guys would be ready to leave in a heartbeat if they had to deal with me and my illness. My insecurities are flying wild! I need some reassurance here. Am I going to get any?

By the way...I haven't vomited in a 24 hours and now, since I took the time to type this out, I am ready to vomit again. I just can't handle staring at the computer screen right now. What am I going to do? I have to work. I have to be a "wife" and keep my husband happy. I always have to worry about that. I just can't help but worry that I am too much of a burden.

Sorry that my post was all over the place. Bottom line is I am a sick, jealous bitch and apparently I have no reason to be.

Flood, Fleas, Puke, Mold, Broken, HOT,Clog, Leak

Yes my lovelies, these are just a few words that are used to describe the horrendous adventures of moving. Moving the Bruce family must entail all of the above, apparently.

Still not ready to talk about it. Sorry :)

I don't want to get into it.

We're moved. If you can call it that. It is going to be quite a while before I feel up to writing about this whole experience. Put it this way, we've been in tears daily. Every single thing that could go wrong...has gone wrong. Things are still going wrong. We were under the impression that once we signed, everything would get better from there. What the hell ever! We are beyond stressed and overwhelmed and are ready to leave everything behind, claim bankruptcy and move to Mexico. That is just how badly this whole thing has gone. The End for now.

Quick update.

It's 1:38AM and I can't sleep. I am seriously stressed. We didn't close on the 18th as planned. As of right this minute we don't even know if the house is actually going to be ours'. There have been so many curve balls pitched at us by this "lender" and I am beginning to think he is screwing with us. We made it over 3 MAJOR hurdles only to be told TODAY that we must sign automatic withdrawal forms for our mortgage payments to come out the 25th of each month. September's payment comes out August 25th and so on. One problem. I only get paid on the last day of the month. There isn't money in the bank to cover the payment on the 25th. PLUS he told us we wouldn't have a payment at all for August so we had planned on using that money to help with closing costs. He says they can't change the date but he'll ask the president of the company if he will make an exception. SOOO if he won't, we've taken the day off tomorrow to look at apartments. Lovely. So freaking screwed!

What kind of place doesn't give you an option on what date you have a large payment automatically deducted from your acct???

Bad news on my aunt as well. We just found out that she is in end stage kidney failure. Due to her cancer I don't believe she is eligible for a transplant :( I am so devastated! She had her first chemo treatment today. Something she didn't want to do, she doesn't want her body torn apart by chemo. The dr's told her she wouldn't make it without it because her kidneys are just giving up. I don't know what's next. Dialysis? That will be torture for her. 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. I just want to go through it all for her and spare her the pain. Her God, the one she has followed her whole life, the one she worships and trusts and loves and prays to, needs to step in and do something for her. She is a true follower of Christ and this is what she gets in return? Another reason I can't bring myself to believe that there truly is a loving God.

Off to try to get some rest. I can't turn my mind off.

A few house pics

The Amazing Kitchen! All stainless steel appliances, granite countertops and a 3 seater bar.
Kind of hard to tell from the picture but this is the master shower. All stone and really nice!
My favorite part of the house. The dining room which you enter through french doors right off the kitchen.


Just wanted to share a few pics of the new house. We're 3 days away from closing and now they have a new "bump in the road" so keep your fingers crossed that it all works out because we have no money and no place to go if it doesn't.

Time is running out.

We close on the house on Friday. Our lease here at the apartment is up on July 29th which means we HAVE to be moved out and the apartment has to be cleaned from top to bottom by the 29th at noon. So how have I been spending my days, you ask? Sleeping. I have never been so unmotivated in my life. I feel terribly embarrassed! It isn't because I am just being lazy, it is because I don't feel well. I promise. I even missed out on the final walk through on the house today. I was in too much pain to get up and get ready to go. I hope that wasn't a mistake. Hubs did go and said everything was fixed to our liking.

I have personally packed 4 boxes. 2 boxes of scrapbooking materials and 2 boxes from my closet. I guess you could say I am not doing my part. BUT I have been working. I did miss 2 days of work this week but 1 was for our anniversary.

Speaking of our anniversary, it was July 9th. We have been married for 4 years and together for 9 years. Amazing, considering I am only 27. Hubs took the day off to spend the day with me. I had been suffering from a horrible migraine for 5 days beforehand so I was a little weary. We decided to go to the Casino and have lunch at their buffet. We are NOT gamblers and had never even been before. Neither one of us like throwing away our money and having nothing to show for it.

So we had a wonderful buffet lunch which included this heavenly dessert buffet bigger than our new kitchen! Everything imaginable was there and I wasn't going to leave without tasting absolutely everything I wanted to! :) To Hubs horrid embarrassment, I proceeded to bring back about 8 plates of dessert (some had multiple desserts on them), one bowl of ice cream topped with m&m minis, caramel sauce and homemade whipped cream AND a rootbeer float. I only ate 2-3 bites of each thing, I am not a pig after all :) It was heaven I tell you!

Oh don't worry, I ate regular food too. I had 3 pieces of bbq salmon (SOOOOO yummy!), a'gratin potatoes, butter and chive mashed potatoes, buttered brussel sprouts, fried okra, buttered broccoli, cornbread with honey, one yeast roll, one parmesan roll, 1/2 a piece of 4 cheese pizza, some nachos with queso, guac, sour cream, bean and corn salsa, lettuce and tomatoes on top, a bowl of cantaloupe, some crab salad, some fried potatoes and I think that might be it. Wow, it seemed like I ate alot more than that :) I love buffets, can you tell?

What? You want me to tell you about the desserts too? OK...there was a chocolate cream pie, strawberry shortcake with the best damned homemade whipped cream I have ever had in my entire life!!! Then I had 3 chocolate strawberries (which I only ended up eating 1 of), 2 pieces of meringue candy, a pretzel stick in chocolate, a piece of chocolate espresso cake, some strawberry swirl cake (they didn't actually label the desserts), a cup of chocolate mousse, some tiny handmade chocolate with a cherry on top, a layered brownie and cheesecake of some sorts, a raspberry cheesecake and I do believe that was it. And at one point, I asked Hubs to go up there with me so he could help me carry it back. Even as embarrassed as he was, he did it for me :) Good ol' Hubs.

At one point I was getting one of my first plates of food and one of the buffet chefs behind the counter saw my face full of smiles and said "How are you doing today happy girl?" That was kind of embarrassing. I guess I couldn't hide my overwhelming excitement due to the food heaven surrounding me.

After at least an hour at the buffet I tried to get Hubs to sit there with me for another hour so we could get hungry again but he insisted that I was the only one who would get hungry again for quite some time. So we left and went into the casino, with visions of big money dancing in our heads.

We had decided to only spend $20. We're broke, buying a house and need all the money we have but we figured we would try on our lucky day. We played penny slots, nickel slots, quarter slots and 1 dollar slot. Between us we won about $6 but we gambled it away and walked out of there $20 poorer than when we had arrived.

Now let me ask you something. How in the world is gambling fun? Even when we won, we won no more than $2.50 and the money was sucked from our hands faster than I can eat a cookie (and let me tell you, that is pretty damn fast!). How is that fun? And we were there at noon on a Wednesday and there were a ton of people there too. We just don't see the appeal. Thankfully, because I couldn't handle it if Hubs decided he had a thing for gambling.

Anyway...I held onto Hubs arm all day, we talked and smiled and laughed like we were dating and had a really really good day! Granted we made it home by 3:00 but he did one of my favorite things and lay in bed for the rest of the day and we watched 6 Feet Under and another movie I can't quite remember. Overall, it was a great day! Best of all? The next day Hubs emailed me to tell me how much fun he had AND to tell me that he kept smiling when he thought about me and my desserts :)

I think the buffet employees might remember me for a while :)

Overland Park, we have a problem...

I don't know what is wrong with my Cody Bear. He has never done this before. I am shocked, I am freaked out and I am worried. What is going on, you ask? He has started to hump his brother Cooper. Now I know that this is a normal thing for dogs. BUT it usually is something that starts early on. Cody is 3 almost 3 1/2. He has always humped blankets which he balls up and puts underneath him. He loves one blanket in particular, a KU blanket, we call it his girlfriend. Well, he has never humped anything else in his life. Nothing, nada, no one. So imagine my surprise when I see him mounting Cooper from behind yesterday as we watched a movie. At first I thought I was just imagining it and they were just playing around like they do. They jump all over each other all day long. But then I saw it...the back and forth action, the front paws clutched beneath Cooper's stomach. Did I yell? Did I say "no!"? Nope...I calmly said "look what Cody is doing to Cooper." to my husband. He freaked out and thought I was weird for not stopping it. I just wanted him to see it so he knew I wasn't making it up. After he saw, I told Cody to stop. He did. Then he started again. Like he had found a new toy that he couldn't stop playing with. He mounted his brother again. Cooper had this look on his face like "whatcha doin Cody?" Not too bothered and not too worried about what was going on. Just happy that they were playing. This time I clapped and told him more sternly "NO!" He stopped. He heavily panted for a few minutes while I got back into the movie and then he did it again. Just walked on over to Cooper, put his paws on his back, and started humping. "NO CODY NO!" I yelled. That time it worked. He hasn't tried it since. But my question is, why the sudden urge? He is neutered, they both are. Is this what they do to pass the time when we're at work? Cooper sure didn't seem to mind. Oh boy. I do not like this. They say it's a dominance thing but Cody is clearly alpha, always has been and Cooper submits to him all day long so why would he suddenly feel the urge to show his dominance in this way? Any ideas?

My new look!

So how do you like it? It looks fabulous, if I do say so myself LOL! I won a free blog design from Lauren at www.restored316designs.com and she did everything I asked for and more. If you are looking to have your blog re-done, definitely check her out! Thanks so much Lauren.

This is going to be very brief. I have been feeling just awful this week. Worse than I have felt in at least a month if not more. I don't know what is up but it is really bad timing with the move and everything. I have had a migraine for 2 days, the inside of my nose burns, my eyes ache, I am in a ton of pain and my stomach is hurting like crazy. I feel so badly for Frank. He has just been chugging along packing and getting things ready and most of my free time is spent in bed. I'm such a lame wife. :( And then my boys, they have both been acting funny so I took them in to have their kidneys tested again. I figured since it is claim time (litigation against Menu Foods for pet food poisoning) I needed to know exactly where we stand levels wise. I should find out tomorrow. I pray it is good news because when I took them in Dr. Daly made sure to tell me, AGAIN, how freakin lucky I am that Cody hasn't died yet with his levels the way they are. :( :( :( I just don't want to talk about it or think about it right now.

I have been spending hours pouring over decorating sites/blogs while on my sick bed. Do you have any to recommend? I need ideas. Cheap ideas since Frank seems stuck on the fact that we have no money for decorating. Stinking thinking I tell you.

Guess What?

I made it to work every single day last week AND worked an average of 4.5 hours each day. I haven't done that in months, maybe even a year. I am trying my hardest so that Hubs is more at ease with the whole house buying thing. On the other hand, I am so exhausted that I come home and hang out in bed with the boys. So nothing is getting done around here. Nothing. Hubs has been packing, I have been sleeping. But if I am going to keep working like this, I need to rest when I am home. He will have to understand and so far I think he is understanding.

News about the house? Well the inspection did not go great. They found termites, a huge water leak that had happened SINCE we had seen the house, a water leak in the dining room which was hurting the brand new hardwood floors, a fire hazard in the attic and numerous small other things. Frank was freaking out thinking this was it, the house wasn't happening. Then the seller showed up. I can't tell you how great that was because right then and there he told Frank and I that he would take care of all of it. Still, Hubs didn't believe him. So we drew up the contract of what we wanted fixed (remember, they told us they wouldn't be fixing much of anything because they had already come down on the price so much) and they came back and said, just like he told us, they would fix everything! Isn't that awesome? So now Frank says "well we still have to hope all the paperwork pans out." OMG! First it was "well we still have to see what the inspection finds" and now it's paperwork. I swear. Even when we are living in the house he is still not going to think it's ours'. I love him and his stinking thinking though.

Somebody please pinch me...

It feels like a dream. I hope it isn't. We have an inspection on the house we are buying today. We are actually buying a house. We're going to be big people, adults, homeowners. Oh my gosh. What a big step this is.

It's a beautiful house, the house we both fell in love with. Unlike the other houses we made offers on, I didn't have to talk Frank in to liking this one. We both felt that this house was "the one" yet he is freaking out about it now. He is a doom gloom thinking kind of guy and sometimes it makes it alot harder on me and my health because he can be so negative. I have told everyone and their aunt that we are buying this house, he on the other hand is waiting until the inspection comes up clear to share the news with anyone, including our daughter who is patiently awaiting the news. Stinking thinking is what I call it. And his stinks the worst.

So here is a picture of the house.

The Picture I promised

I promised a picture of Cody after his dew claw surgery and here it is:

Backwards Introduction

I realized that I never really introduced myself. Not that I actually have any readers but for anyone who may just stumble onto my blog...here is a little bit about me.

I am a 27 year old female of Caucasian ethnicity. I am married to a 35 year old, wonderful man named Frank. We have a 10 year old daughter named Kaylee and 2 male shih tzus (dogs) named Cody (3) and Cooper (2.5). Together, we all reside in Overland Park, KS which is a large suburb of Kansas City. Kansas really isn't all that bad and it's definitely different than most people imagine. We live amongst million dollar mansions, in one of the richest counties in KS. However, we live in an apartment home, which is like a town home. We hate the KS weather and it's unpredictability but the area is nice and clean and most importantly, safe.

I work with student loans. I help students who are having financial difficulties, postpone their payments on their federal student loans. My husband works with computers. I get confused when I ask exactly what he does, so I'll leave it at that but I will add that he is pretty high on the totem pole. Not just a techie who answers to everyone else. He is very good at what he does but he no longer enjoys it and is trying desperately to find another ob but the market is so bad that he can't find anything without taking a $10,000.00-$20,000.00 pay cut. With prices the way they are, a cut like that would be impossible.

Unfortunately, I live with lupus and it affects every aspect of our lives. If I didn't have lupus, I would be able to work like a normal human being, bringing home money and contributing a great deal to our finances. But it doesn't work like that. I miss work all the time, I never know when I will be sick and therefore it all rests on Frank's shoulders. And believe me, he feels the weight.

On to happier things...I have a 9 1/2 year old sister, Kennis and an 11 year old brother, Taylor. I also have an 18 year old sister, Rachael. We are all very close, much closer than most siblings and yet we don't see each other very often. Rachael lives in Springfield, MO as does the majority of my family and Kennis and Taylor live here in town with their dad who inundates their schedules with numerous sports and other activities so that they never have time to see the family or their mom. It is a very difficult situation, I'm afraid.

I only started reading blogs a few months ago and I must say I am rather addicted. I believe I have over 300 blogs in my favorites list. The blogs I enjoy the most are medical blogs (nurses, doctors etc...), veterinary blogs (vet techs, vet students etc...), animal blogs, dog blogs, giveaway blogs and any other blog I come across that catches my attention. Other people's lives are so much more interesting than mine!

I am a pescetarian (a vegetarian who does eat seafood) and my husband is on the road to being a vegetarian. He loves meat but is having a harder and harder time eating it after everything he has seen and read. I love him for that. He just isn't the type that you would expect to give up sausage, bacon and hamburgers because of animal cruelty. I mean, just because he is this big, tough guy, but he has a heart and a conscience. We've learned alot together about animal cruelty in the past few years. I won't go into it now though.

I drive a Toyota Corolla and the hubs drives a Land Rover Discovery which is killing us. The Land Rover is a gas guzzler and hubs doesn't even drive with the a/c on. But it is such a nice car, classic to look at and it is a big car which is something that hubs, at 6'1 needs. Plus he deserves to drive a car that shows his success. However, with gas prices where they are right now, we have been doing all of our driving in the Corolla.

I think I have introduced myself pretty well. If you're curious about anything else, please let me know and I'll do my best to enlighten you.

Oh and pretty soon I will add some of my favorite blogs to my blog list BUT there are so many I don't know how to choose. Send me a link to your blog so I can check it out :) The hubs' is franknbeanz.wordpress.com Check him out. He just started and is a damn good writer. Just don't listen to anything he says about me...unless it's good of course :)

Money is going to kill me, or lack of it anyway.

So how is everyone doing it? Gas prices, food prices, just where are we supposed to get the extra money to cover these rises in costs? I am so stressed all the time now because of money. Hubs is stressed all the time over money. It's like everyday is run by how much everything costs. Can we go to the park today? Nope, too far away, will take up too much gas. Can we go out to eat today? Nope, prices have gone up and besides we need the extra money for gas. We need groceries. Well we have to cut back since everything has gone up. Cut back on milk, cut back on meat. Cut back on cereal. I am at my wits end. Any advice on ways to cut back?

On top of all the stresses we are dealing with as far as money is concerned, Cody ripped his rear dew claw today. My poor baby. We didn't hear it happen or see it happen and he is always with us so it is odd that we didn't notice. Hubs picked him up and was playing with him on his back as usual. Cody was getting snippy and acted like he was in pain. On closer inspection (thank you hubs for looking closely) he found Cody's nail bleeding and hanging on for dear life. My first reaction was to clean it and take him to the vet tomorrow. Upon further inspection I noticed it had just happened and was bleeding alot. Every time I touched it he cried. I tried to wrap it but that lasted all of 3 minutes before he had the wrap in his front paws chewing on it like a chewie. So that was it. I called our local vet who is open on Sunday and asked if we could come in without an appt. They told me to bring him in and drop him off and they would call me with an estimate. Great.

I drop Cody off with specific instructions that due to his chronic kidney disease, I did not want him anesthetized unless absolutely necessary. I get a call 15 minutes after I left the vet. "Mrs. Bruce? Hi. This is Dr. Neira. I got a closer look at Cody's dew claw and unfortunately it looks as if he tore it all the way below the quick. It needs to be removed and he needs to be sedated for that." I ask if there are any other options due to health risks and sedation. She said that local anesthetic doesn't work in the area they are dealing with and his anesthesia and meds both are more expensive due to his kidney disease. So how much is the damage? $255 not including all the follow up stuff. AND the kicker is the nail will grow back so this could happen all over again! Removing the entire dew claw would consist of removing the bone which is the same as de-clawing a cat which we all know is horrible torture, the same as amputating a human's fingers down to their first knuckle. Not an option.

Cody woke up safely. We picked him up at 4:30 and he has been passed out every since. He lifts his head to look around every hour or so and then goes back to sleep. I took some pictures which I will post as soon as they have been transfered to the computer.

I feel so badly for my little baby. He moans and looks at me with these eyes like "what happened?" I am in mommy overdrive.

Please keep him in your thoughts. I am scared that the sedative and meds and stress might cause his kidney disease to further act up. I pray not.

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Lupus Sunday

Woke up at 10:30. Felt exhausted and achey. Fed my sister breakfast then we did some Father's Day arts n crafts. Fed the clan lunch. Decided against taking a shower since I was going to clean and get all sweaty. I cleaned out our armoire which we will hopefully sell at the upcoming garage sale. Took me 3 hours to clean that out. In the middle of that, with stuff strewn all over the dining room, on the floor, on the table, on the chairs...is when I had to stop and take Cody to the vet. Got back and finished the armoire. Laid down with Cooper since we was unsettled wondering where Cody was. From that point on, I really didn't pay much attention to my pain or exhaustion. I was running on adrenaline. S0 not much of a report on today's lupus happenings.

As of right now, it's thundering, lightening and raining. We are all 4 of us in bed, everyone passed out except for me. Frank has a pillow over his face, Cody is laying between us in a fetal position with his head under Frank's arm. Cooper is asleep at my feet. I love my family. It's times like this that I smile and just want to watch them all sleep. No king size bed for us.

Lupus on Saturday

Today was a hard day. I'm not sleeping very well so I was exhausted. My sister was being dropped off at 10am so I got up at 9:45 so I would be awake when she got here. My throat/ears/head have hurt all day.

Our day started at 1:30 when we met our Realtor to look at a few houses. 5 to be exact. And I think we found the perfect house for us. Well of course not "perfect" but the best we have come across. 3 hours in the scorching heat, looking at old, dirty houses, breathing in paint fumes and dank smokey carpet, really wore me out. One of the houses had 5 bedrooms and a pool complete with slide and diving board. It was full of dark green/brown water. I would not want to empty that pool. Can you imagine what you might find down there? Dead animals, dead people? Ugh...

Anyway, came home and took a 2 hour nap. A much needed, much enjoyed nap. Ate some dinner. Watched a movie with hubs. Took the boys on a walk, come to find out Frank had already taken them on one today. We brought Coop home after one lap and took Cody for a longer second lap. I hope they sleep well tonight. I know I will.

I'm achey and over done. This house hunting stuff is wearing me out and it's not close to being over. Let's say we put in an offer, then there is packing, the garage sale this weekend, moving, Justin's wedding in August and then unpacking the new house. How am I going to get through this? I don't even feel up to doing the laundry tomorrow. I need strength. Now where can I get some?

Lupus today

OK so today wasn't the greatest day lupus wise. I woke up at 9:30 to Cody whining at me to wake up. I told him I still needed to sleep and rolled over and slept until 10:30. I had to meet Frank at noon to look at a house so I DID get up and get ready.

I've had a killer migraine all day and it hasn't let up no matter how many meds I take.

Pain wise I'd say I'm at about a 5. So pain wise it is a very good day.

This Paxil makes me eat more though and that is not good. I find myself wanting to munch all the time.

My energy level is through the floor today. I have downed two coffee drinks and still feel no relief. My eyelids are drooping and I'm having a hard time staying awake.

I did make it to work for 3 hours. Just enough time to make my migraine worse.

I walked the boys, watched two movies with Frank and now it's bedtime.

So that's it for Friday, June 6th.

I don't usually do this but...

As someone who is always looking for a way to make some extra money, I wanted to pass this along. The website is called dealbarbiepays and so far I have made $54.00. You can't cash out until you reach $20 but the extra money is nice. Too bad I have had to put it toward our bills :) Just know, only one person per household/workplace etc...can have an acct. They check ips and ban duplicate accts. Anyway, to use me as a referral go here:

dealbarbiepays

Let me know if you sign up!

For the next week...

I am going to keep track of what my life is like with lupus. Obviously I have been doing that already but I am actually going to make a mental note of what I do and how I feel all day long. Starting tomorrow. I just want to see exactly what my ups and downs are in just one week. Stay tuned...

Random things about me

I found this on another blog and thought it looked fun. So here goes.

27 Questions

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what did you think? “My face looks nice and clear today. Wow, that spot from the tanning bed looks better. Why are my arms so fat? And my stomach…ugh. Why can’t I just tone up? Look at my clothes, I need new clothes. I just don’t look good anymore. Oh! I am going to be late. Better get going…”

2. How much cash do you have on you? None currently on me because I am in bed.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “TEST”? Nest

4. Favorite planet? Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Walgreen’s Pharmacy

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Vibrate. All the others drive me nuts.

7. What shirt are you wearing? A salmon colored, cowl neck tank.

8. Do you “label” yourself? I label myself as a wife and as a mother. A daughter and a granddaughter. A niece and a sister.

9. Name the brand of shoes you’re currently wearing now: None, I am currently in bed. The shoes I wore today were from Target.

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I think that Misadventurous Melissa is funny, witty and an amazing dog mom!

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? Ha ha! Having some middle of the night fun with hubs!

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? “Meet me here at 12:15.”

14. Where is your nearest 7-11? 119^th and Quivira. 10 minutes from me.

15. What’s a saying(s) that you say a lot? “Can’t never did anything.” And “A bored person is a boring person.”

16.Who told you they loved you last? My husband.

17. Last furry thing you touched? My doggies

18. How many days of work did you miss this week? One. So far. It’s Wednesday.

19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? One underwater camera. Other than that we always use digital.

20. Favorite age you have been so far? 23

21. Your worst enemy? Lupus

22. What is your current desktop picture? Bright, colorful flowers.

23. What was the last thing you said to someone? “Cooper why are you kicking Mommy?”

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? A million bucks.

25. Do you love someone? I love my husband. I love my doggies. I love my daughter, my mother, my sisters, my brother, my grandma, my great grandma, my aunt, my uncle, Alvina, Gene, Jay, Kris, Jaymie, Brandon, Bryce and Hunter, my god mom, my god dad and all my god family. I love my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law and my niece. Have I forgotten anyone?

26. The last song you listened to? “Saving all my love for you.”

27. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson? Carmen Electra

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11 Random Things About Me:

1. I Lived in an attic for a couple years as a kid. Complete with ladder.

2. I Moved 15 times before I went away to college.

3. I had 2 childhood best friends who I later attended high school with where they were practically enemies/strangers.

4. I failed math all 4 years of high school and attended summer school for it every summer. Once I made it to college I aced 2 semesters in a row.

5. I am obsessed with the internet. I read blogs/gossip websites/etc…everyday. It is 11:50pm and I lay here in a drug induced stupor (legal, prescription meds), eyes barely open, just trying to read a little more.

6. I was raised very religious. I attended Christian school from pre-school-5^th grade and again from 7^th-8^th grade then attended Catholic school 9^th-12^th. I no longer believe in God.

7. I used to hate animals. That is so embarrassing. I didn’t want to hurt them or anything, I just thought they were dirty and I avoided them. Now I preach to everyone about animal rights and protection, give to all the animal charities, volunteer at the local no kill shelter, foster animals in need and have 2 dogs whom I love absolutely to death!

8. I like to read erotica but do not enjoy watching porn.

9. I am very interested in very rare diseases/disorders/birth defects. Two I like to read up on are Primordial Dwarfism and Conjoined twins. Medical marvels if you will.

10. I love watching “A Baby Story” and other baby/family shows even though I do not want a baby of my own.

11. I could spend my day watching just about any kind of reality tv imaginable. I just love reality shows. I don’t even remember what life was like before reality tv and I hope we never go back.

My boring life

Well a few new things are going on. First, the hubs and I are house hunting. We thought this would be fun but 2 days into the "hunt" we are exhausted, disappointed and already losing hope that we will find what we want, in our price range, within the 8 weeks we have. Not too much to ask right? :) We have looked at 7 houses so far. One I really loved but there were some things that made it not right for us. Hardly any closet space, only one bathroom (unless you count the room in the basement with one toilet perched 3 feet in the air) and it sits on a busy street which is dangerous when you have dogs. Other than that, I loved it. But hubs doesn't want to settle. After 2 days of looking he is ready to throw in the towel and just go back to looking at rentals.

House buying is scary. How do people afford to fix everything themselves? We have rented forever and the amount of things we have had break in the last 9 years really scares me. I never thought about it before but now that I am contemplating having to pay for all of it...now I see how it all adds up.

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I finally was able to come off of an evil prescription drug that I have been unable to come off of for over 4 years. How was I suddenly able to come off of it? My doc prescribed a new drug to replace the old drug. I was scared as hell and waited until the weekend to try it. Usually if I am a couple hours late taking the evil drug, I become sick. Well 2 days have come and gone and I am fine. Absolutely afreakinmazing!! I can't tell you how happy I am! Now this new drug is also hard to come off of but I have taken it before and don't remember having trouble coming off of it. So hopefully it won't be a problem when the time comes.

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I realized that I haven't written hardly anything about my boys Cody and Cooper. That strikes me as completely odd since they are a huge part of my life. They are my anti-depressants, no doubt about it. They get me up in the morning even when I am sick as hell. They make me smile even when I am crying my eyes out. They bring joy to my life in every way possible. I just love them so very much. Sometimes I wonder if I am turning into some crazy dog lady. It's just that the feelings that I feel for Cody and Cooper are so huge, so real and so raw that I feel like people will laugh at me if they truly knew how I felt about my babies.

I can't/won't/don't want kids of my own so Cody and Cooper are my sons. I realize they are dogs but we communicate. We have an entire language between us. No, I don't talk in tongues to them but I do believe that they understand me and I believe that they do things to make me understand them as well. Hubs thinks I am borderline crazy when it comes to this but all that has taught me is to just keep it to myself. I see it in their eyes, they know I understand them. That's all that matters.

I deal with alot of guilt when it comes to my boys. They have a good life, I know that, but they could have a better life if I weren't sick. I don't take them on daily walks like they need. I can't. Sometimes it is all I can do to get out of bed and take them potty, let alone a walk. And a walk would be alot easier if Cooper didn't stop to smell every blade of grass that has ever been touched by canine, feline, rodent, reptile, amphibian, insect, mammal or bird feet. Poor Coop. He has such trouble walking, he just walks a few feet then stops to smell everything and to give his legs a rest.

OK so more to feel guilty about...They don't eat a normal dog diet. However, the dog food is what poisoned them in the first place AND all of their vets are aware of their diet and tell me the important thing is just to keep Cody eating, no matter what it is. I still feel horrible about it and feel like I have failed them in some way by feeding them poisoned food in the first place.

I am sick all the.damn.time. SO...my boys have adapted and now they sleep all day right along with me. Dad/hubs takes them out at 6:30am to potty. They come back to bed. We sleep until 9:30-10:00am (on weekends more like 10:30-11:00am) and then get up to eat breakfast. At this point they usually get 15-20 minutes out on the deck, which they love. Then we go back to lay down. We lay down for another 30 min-an hour and then I take a bath. At this point I can tell if I am too sick to make it to work. If I am, it's back to bed where we stay until about 5:30-6:00pm (with one more potty break in there). If I make it to work they go out to potty then come in and back to bed they go while I leave for work. Dad/hubs then gets home about 4:30pm, takes them out to go potty and then plays his video games for a couple hours. Depending on the weather, he will usually open the deck so the boys can lounge out there. I get home, make dinner and the rest of the evening is spent on the couch watching a movie or in bed watching a movie. I do play with their toys with them and so does Dad/hubs. They go on 2-3 walks a week and we play fetch in the house. But really....is this enough for them?

When we sleep, Cody snuggles against my back, or against my side, or right on top of my stomach. Cooper sleeps either snuggled against my outer thigh or at the end of my feet. I do scratch them, rub them, scritch them, pat them etc...when I am laying down with them. I constantly talk to them and love on them so they don't sit there in silence and boredom. I miss them when I am at work, I miss them when I am out running errands. I just love to be with them and I really hope they love being with me too.

OK. Mush session is over. I feel the same way about my husband but he says he is always an after thought. It's not true though. I go on and on to the boys because they don't say anything back. They don't make fun of me or roll their eyes, or interrupt so I say stuff to them all the time. I think the same stuff about hubs but I don't express it verbally as often just because of the conversation that goes with it. You know? Well, it makes sense it my head :)